It’s been less than a week since Donald Trump was elected president by the electoral college (he didn’t win the popular vote, so I refuse to say America voted him in). I’ve seen all the posts, read all the comments, seen internet friendships implode before my very eyes. I’ve been pretty vocal about not voting Donald Trump into office, but I haven’t said much after he was elected. There’s a very simple reason for that. I am still very sad. I am still very confused. I am still very scared. I am still worried about the ramifications a Trump presidency will have on my daughter or any other babies that come along. Overall, I’m not okay and damnit, I have every right to be.

I have every right to not be okay not because I’m a woman and fall into one of his persecuted categories. It’s because I am a human and a citizen of this country. I have never so badly wanted to pack our bags and get the hell out of dodge after an election. I truly asked Tim how feasible it was to move to Canada. I didn’t want to think of my future here anymore. On Wednesday morning I held Eva in bed while looking at my phone in utter disbelief. I went to bed without looking at anything because I’ve been saying for months, “He’s going to win. Everyone said he wouldn’t get on the ballot and he did.” I was hoping with every neuron in my being that I was wrong. Unfortunately I do have the annoying trait of being right 95% of the time. Please don’t laugh, it awful and true. I didn’t want to be. I know I wouldn’t be okay.

I am sad for our country. For a long time now so much of our country feels forgotten about and disregarded. Their pleas of help for jobs are going unheard. Hopes of a livable minimum wage have been thrown out the window. A hope for a life without an EBT card  and support from a government have waned. It becomes more expensive to live in America but our wages don’t reflect those changes. Outsourcing of jobs makes it nearly impossible to logically keep factories in America. We are so broken as a whole that we’ve turned against each other. If this was a musical “You’re Fault” from Into the Woods would be playing right now. We were all desperate to blame someone, anyone, that the blame has ended with our neighbors and friends.

Sadly a Trump presidency has brought out the worse in all of us. Those of us who preach love and understanding have now spewed vile words against Trump and Pence because we feel they don’t follow the same principles of love and understanding. Those of us who were keeping quiet on racist thoughts and ideals based on a Great America that never existed have a voice to yell out through. The biggest worry I have with this presidency is that, say Trump and Pence bring up the number of jobs. Say they help with the economy, hell let’s go so far into the benefit of doubt and say even foreign affairs improve. At what cost? The cost of most of the population of our country being terrified to leave their house because they may or may not be accosted and beaten that day? The cost of rights of the LGBTQI community has tirelessly fought for? The cost of women throwing their arms in the air and saying, “Oh sure, government. Let’s take this a step further and have you tell me how I should conduct my own sex life. Seems appropriate.” The cost of children asking why they have to act one way when even the president of the United States can act however he wants? How can we yell that pro athletes aren’t stepping up enough as role models for the youth of America, but Trump gets a pass because hey at least he tells the truth.

Now, I have friends and family who voted for Trump. They say they are sick of government sticking their noses in their business. They say they don’t want their rights infringed upon. They say they want someone who understands what it is to work for what you have in life. All I can say is, that won’t happen with Trump. At least the Trump he has shown us. As much as you want your 2nd amendment rights, that how much I want the right to do with MY BODY as I see fit, not my husband. ME. As much as you are sick of government sticking their noses into your business that’s how much a homosexual couple wants all of America to stay out of their relationship and family dynamic. And choosing someone who grew up in the upper 1% of society is not your advocate for working hard for every penny. I understand the thinking of you are passionate about your views, I’m passionate for views that don’t leave out people for being who they are. Someone who lives their life in a peaceful and loving way. Honest to god, I have never understood why you should hate someone for no reason other than they are walking down the street and look too black or too gay or you know, have boobies.

This week has been difficult for many of us. A lot of us have mourned the opportunity to see history be made and see the first female president. A lot of us have run to the mountain top to scream to the sky. A lot of us have turned to social media to get our message across, whatever it may be. Our country is hurt right now no matter which side you’re on. There has been a line drawn in the sand and we’re yelling at each other over that line. All I can hope for is that when we cross that line it’s to shake hands and figure things out. I hope beyond hope that Trump leads that handshake because that’s what a president does. I hope beyond hope that he leads his supporters towards a path of peaceful and loving relationship with his non supporters. I hope beyond hope that we can repair our country. These are all hopes I have because no matter how many times I go over it in my head, right now, I’m not okay.