Just uncomfortable

Another post. Another post about me wanting and needing to loose weight. If you’re sick of them, join the club. I feel like this is a problem plaguing most mothers because let’s face it, our bodies became parachute pants after pregnancy and labor. Baggy, weird shape, has pockets, but not the most attractive sight. Even the most physically fit moms would talk about how their bodies were just wrecked for a year after giving birth. Not all of us are Kate Middleton and have the glam squad and glam airplane hanger from Miss. Congeniality in their hospital room. Although, if that was a packaged offered, I’m not saying I would say no to it.

Most of us left the hospital in our husband’s pants with the permission to, “Just keep them”. A t-shirt that already had spit up all over it. Flip flops (even if it was February with a foot of snow outside). A rat nest bun because a messy bun is still too neat and put together. And underwear that could double as a car cover. The euphoria of the new baby smell takes over all of that though. You forget about all of it as you and your husband fight over whether the car seat is safe enough and how many Dunkin Donuts you would stop at on the way home for all the coffee. All. The. Coffee. Mostly you wanted to get home and start your new life.

Fast forward to when you’ve had the kid for a while and you are beginning to feel like life isn’t slipping through your fingers. For me it was okay. After about a year and a half I started going to the YMCA and working out. We were eating way better and not so much like trash pandas. Then one thing happened, and another thing happened. I could work out. I couldn’t work out. I could work out. I couldn’t work out. It all just kept piling up and I gave up. I completely and utterly gave up. I have tried so hard the last few months to get the motivation. I have made Instagram videos basically pleading with myself to loose weight. I tried to keep in mind that I want to be there for most of Eva’s life. I tried to remember that we want more kids and I need to be healthy for that. I tried…everything.

Then last weekend we had a very busy weekend. We went to a cousin’s 2nd birthday about an hour away. Celebrated Mother’s Day with Tim’s family about 45 minutes away. We spent a lot of time in the car. I was so uncomfortable. My body was uncomfortable in itself. We’ve spent plenty of time in the car traveling all over New England in the last five years. I was never as uncomfortable as I was this past weekend. I didn’t fit the way I used to. My stomach was squished out in new ways. I hated every minute and hated feeling it. So that was my turning point. That was rock bottom. I couldn’t even be in the car for an hour without wanting to rip my skin off to feel some freedom from my body’s cage. It was pretty bad, I wanted to Silence of the Lambs myself.

On Thursday night I pulled out a workout DVD program I had done about four years ago. It’s called Insanity. IMG_20180518_070847759The name fits the work out perfectly. It’s ridiculous and insane and you wonder every minute of doing it why are you doing it? I was ready to go. Friday morning I woke up early I put on work out clothes and went downstairs to put my body through pure hell. Seven minutes. I made it seven minutes. Every part of my body hurt. My lungs were burning. My heart was racing in my ears. I could see sounds. It was insane for sure. Out of frustration I slammed my laptop shut and thought, “Whatever, I’ll just warm up some Annie’s toaster pastries and sit down and enjoy the alone time. I can’t do this”.

Thankfully, my rational and motivated side kicked in. “No. We can be more constructive. We’re ready to work out. Go for a walk in this beautiful town. Do the loop and then come home and do some free weights.” IMG_20180518_074003028So I did it. We have a loop trail around the river in our town that’s a little over a mile to and from our house. I walked down and around the loop.IMG_20180518_074759327 I’ve done this walk many times with Tim and Eva. It’s a quick walk we can do on Tim’s lunch break or before dinner. Nothing over strenuous, but at least it was something. I decided to take some selfies to remind myself that I can get up and do something to make myself feel better. Plus we have an idealistic setting downtown for some good selfies. AmIright? Then on the way home there are little baby hills you have to go up. I decided to run them. Now, I am not what one would call a “runner”. “Jogging’s the worst. I know it’s good for you, but my God, at what cost?” -Ann Perkins (Parks and Rec), my philosophy. I took another selfie when I got to the top of the hill before our house. It wasn’t pretty, but at least it was evidence I did it.

I need to loose weight because I’m uncomfortable in my body and I’m sick of it. It stresses me out to think that I have to be in this body tomorrow. I got beautiful pictures of Eva’s second birthday party and cringed at every single photo I was in because I hated seeing my body. And I get it, body positive. My body brought life into the world. So on and so forth. That’s all well and good, but at some point you have to also realize when you’re just not comfortable with the body you have (within reason of course). Even though doctors aren’t suppose to body shame anymore and tell you that you need to loose weight, I realize and know I can loose weight and should. I want to. I want Eva to grow up in a healthful household. I want Tim right beside me for the long long long long haul. I just want to be comfortable. Two days of working out isn’t going to change everything and who knows what I’ll do next week. But at least for a couple days I was comfortable in my body. I was comfortable in me.

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