Yesterday hit the 19 week mark for my pregnancy. Just shy of being five months pregnant. Almost a half year of having something growing in me. Think about it. According to the books I have a living creature in my stomach eating my food, using my energy surplus, developing thoughts, figuring out how its limbs work, and becoming self aware. I feel like I’m the plot line for an episode of X-Files, and one of the scary episodes because it could ACTUALLY happen. It. Could. Happen.
All these thoughts got me thinking about what the last 19 weeks of my life have been. What has changed? For a minute it was hard to realize what had changed because you feel like everything has changed. How does one categorize all of that? I’m going to try my best. Keep in mind that these are my observations and realizations. I do not speak for the pregnancy community or the support groups that I’m positive every body snatched woman should be a part of. It would have Oreos, string cheese, and cheeseburgers. It would be heaven.
Here we go.
1.) Some days being pregnant is really difficult. Our society is funny. It’s as though we tell each other that the things that are hard are actually easy. I feel as though pregnancy is portrayed as this amazing experience 24-7. It’s the tampon commercial for pregnant people. Don’t get me wrong. There are so many wonderful experiences that have gone a long with this. However, for about two months I lived in bed or on the couch. I developed morning sickness at night. I was exhausted from doing one load of laundry. I cried at everything. I snapped at Tim for anything. Sometimes it was just…difficult and it wasn’t funny. There was no laugh track when I snapped at Tim for not closing the shower curtain after taking a shower. It was just me crying because I just yelled at the one person who was loving me through this, not fighting me.
2.) Tim just feels awful for me. It’s hard for partners. The one person they love more than themselves is going through this difficult physical thing for nine months and they can’t do anything. They can bring you extra pillows, drive you to McDonald’s at 10:30 at night because you have to have a McChicken right now, and say, “I’m sorry. That sucks.” They know it sucks and if you’re lucky like me you’ll have a partner that says, “I wish I could switch with you, babe” and mean it.
3.) I’ve never had such a difficult relationship with food before. This is coming from a gal who did have issues with food in high school and college. This has been beyond that for me. For those two months I barely ate. There were days where I had one peanut butter cracker at 9:00 am and wouldn’t eat until 7:30 pm and that was another peanut butter cracker. We would sit at our bar for an hour and a half so I could eat a spoonful of tear stained pasta. My doctor said to eat what I could get down my gullet but a diet of soda and Cheetos didn’t seem healthy. Now is such a different story. I will eat a whole dinner and then an hour later eat frozen yogurt and then an hour later crackers and hummus. I feel like it will never be enough. I will eat that chicken nugget out of your hand if you look away too long. I will do it.
4.) There isn’t a day I don’t think, “I can’t do this”. In about four months Tim and I will have a drunk baby goblin in our house. That thought alone is terrifying. The thing that has made me think this the most is my cats. I know crazy, right? The other night our fat cat, Bowser, desperately wanted attention. He wanted to be held like in an actual baby position and I needed to do things. I got so overwhelmed Tim had to take him. We literally had to pass off our special cat. I felt like if I can’t deal with with a cat, how can I do it with a drunk baby goblin? It’s an everyday struggle.
5.) Everything is a pregnancy symptom. It’s unbelievable. I feel as though I could Google, “I can’t turn left pregnancy” and will find some website or message board that will say, “Yeah, because you’re pregnant” or I’m Zoolander, which would be amazing.
6.) For the first time everything I do I wonder, “Is this the best thing for my child?” It’s pretty mind blowing. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “I just want to be a good mom” already. In my opinion, I am already a mom. I have to nurture, protect, and grow this little person to come into the world. I’ve had to worrying about someone else with every single thing I eat, lift, clean, trip, climb, drive, talk, and dress.
7.) Sometimes I feel like people and society are trying to talk me out of having kids. This is the other side of the coin. I feel like having kids is this amazing experience and it’s like everyone is saying, “No. This is the hardest and worst thing you can do.” I see it everywhere. TV shows. Facebook status updates. Blogs. Talk shows. Conversations with parents. I’ve loved the statuses and pictures of my friends’ and family’s babies but I’ve also heard the, “Yeah, they’re cute. Until you’ve been up for 172 hours just rocking in a chair promising the devil your soul for an hour of sleep. Hahaha, yeah no, they’re cute.”…awko taco. I know kids are hard. I know hard isn’t strong enough of an adjective to describe how hard it is to have kids. With the bad has to be some good and I just really hope I show more of the good, but of course we’ll see.
8.) I don’t know everything and I have to be okay with that. If you know me well you may know that I am slightly type A and have an annoying need to do everything by myself. I resort to asking for help when I’m on a verge of a break down. I’ve been that way since I was two and told my mom I could do everything by myself. Some days I’ve felt really alone. I realized that I didn’t have to be. This whole experience is new, important, and life changing. I can ask for help and advice when I want it. My friends and family love me, Tim, and our little Monkey. They will help whenever needed. I need to be okay with asking, “What do I do with this?” I can’t control everything and having kids tops that list.
9.) I have no idea what pregnant women did before the internet. Seriously, did you just live in a dark room praying everyday that you and the baby were okay? What did you do? Like, what did you do?
10.) You do anything to make yourself feel good about yourself. My body has gone haywire. My stomach is rounding out. My face is fuller. My hands are swollen. I have sausage toes and Jennifer Love Hewitt lied to me about Palmer’s cocoa butter helping with stretch marks. I mean she probably actually used angel tears but I don’t have Ghost Whisperer royalties, J-Love. Okay? I don’t. Any who, I have learned that a good shower, shaving of the legs, and actually brushing my hair will do wonders. Even if it’s only to go to Hannaford for a couple of groceries.
11.) Doing non-parent things makes me think, “This will never be the same again after May”. Last night our night was watching Lost for a couple hours then me coloring and watching Netflix on my computer and Tim playing video games. A pretty typical night. I know these nights are going to be few and far in between. We’ll grasp to the nights we get to watch a half an episode of Lost before passing out. Or I’ll be creepily staring at our child to make sure their chest rises and falls in an appropriate amount of time. That’s going to be our life. I get that but there is part of me that is still really excited for that.
12.) Comfty/maternity clothes are the gifts of pregnant women past. Without elastic bands, Tim’s t-shirts, and ruched sided shirts I would never get out of pajamas or out of bed. Why bother?
13.) Being pregnant become your obsessive thoughts. I feel like every minute of every day I remind myself I’m pregnant. Then there are other people. My husband, my parents, my friends, my parents, other family, strangers at the store, my parents (they’re just really excited. It hasn’t gotten weird yet). The weird part is when I forget for a minute, literally a minute, I feel like an awful mom and that the baby now hates me, “I’m working hard too, woman! I am creating myself. Can I get a little recognition?!”
14.) Being overwhelmed becomes a common emotion. I know I can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can I ever just be whelmed? Kinda a mantra for me right now. Getting baby registries together, designing a nursery, where do I find mommy and me groups, is there anyone who doesn’t know about me being pregnant and should, check in with Tim, check in with myself, pet the cats to let them know you still love them, eat, breathe, eat again, on and on. It’s so overwhelming all the time. You are bringing a little person into the world. A person. The cats were enough for almost six years and they were overwhelming enough. I miss the days of being whelmed.
15.) I wouldn’t change a thing and will hopefully go through this again. It may seem as though I just complained for 14 bullet points. 15 may be the most important to me though. Through all of this I know that around May 10th I will be someone’s mom. Tim will be someone’s dad. We will have a family outside ourselves. We get to see this little spirit grow up in front of us. Be there for their first laugh, first words, first steps, first day of school, first, “Mom, I’m so hung over. What do I do?” So many things to be proud of. I get to show my child the ropes of the world and hope every night that I did something right that day. Honestly, whatever I go through doesn’t seem that much to have that experience.
So, there you go. 15 things I’ve learned so far in pregnancy. What were somethings you learned while being pregnant? Or when your partner was pregnant? Was it all good, bad, or whelming? Let me and the world know down below 🙂