At some point we all feel like we’re living two lives. Two separate beings in one life. For some of us this split life will feel like it’s our whole life. Every day you wake as one being and switch to the other being at some point. For the for most part we can live like this. Thankfully, the human is an adaptable creature. We do what we have to in order to survive. If you’re anything like me though, you begin to wonder will these beings ever synergize? Will they ever coexist in the one life that you’re living?
Personally, I’ve been fighting with my being as a housewife and a being as a pregnant lady. We moved to our house about nine months ago. I got into a routine pretty quickly. Weekly errands, grocery day, meal plans, bill management, weekly cleaning schedule, etc. I found a way to be busy every day. I was pretty happy with what was going on. In the back of my head I kept thinking, “I’m only half a housewife. We don’t have kids.” I’m still not sure if that was what I thought I was supposed to be or if it’s what I really wanted.
As we all know about five months ago I was body snatched by our little Monkey. A lot of my life changed. For six weeks I felt a little off but nothing too drastic. I was still cleaning, do weekly errands, planning, being a housewife. Then the dreaded six week mark hit. I was so exhausted from waking up. I was eating nothing. It felt like the beginning of the flu every day. I stopped being a housewife and became a pregnant blob. It’s been quite a few weeks since then. Things have gotten better but I would be lying if I said that couch days didn’t still happen. I’ll be really productive one day and the next day my body is like, “Yeah, no. Toast a waffle and then lay down and stay there. I will rebel. I swear to god I will take you down.”
Last night I hit a low. I was getting ready to go to bed and I walked through the kitchen. There is a mountain of dishes, pots, and pans. There are clean dishes still in the dishwasher. The floor hasn’t been swept. As much as I have had better days, I’m still not synergyizing with my other being. I hate that there are dishes everywhere. I hate that the floor isn’t vacuumed. I hate that I haven’t done a full on grocery trip in who knows how long. I talked to Tim and I confessed my 20 week long guilt I had been feeling. I said that there are women everywhere who work everyday, go home, cook dinner, and are pregnant. They do this everyday. I couldn’t do half of what they do.
For us this was always the plan. Tim and I were together for about two years when I told him that my dream was to be a stay at home mom. He told me that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do but he secretly wanted to have his wife be a stay at home mom too. He wanted his kids to grow up with that. That was almost four years ago. That has been the plan for four years. Why can’t I just accept it? Why do I always have a need to compare myself to a lifestyle that I voluntarily stepped away from?
The answer is pretty simple. It’s what we do. I’ve talked to moms or even non parents who say, “I work too much. I take on too much. Is this what I want for the rest of my life?” I think I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck behind the start line for the last year of my life. We’ve wanted kids for so long but I wanted to be married first. Then we wanted a house and I didn’t want to be pregnant and move. We had been together for a year when we decided that if we had an “unexpected blessing” we would be happy with that. It’s been four and half years and a lot of changes. That corner piece of the puzzle has been missing that whole time.
I don’t ask for help. I get that. Last night Tim said he could help out more. He offered to help me clean the kitchen and my response was, “*Sigh* Yeah.” He giggled and said, “You’re probably the only wife that sounds miserable when her husband offers to help clean.” He’s probably right. To me it’s so much more. I’m trying so hard to synergize my pregnant self with my housewife self. I refuse to understand a new version of myself. Quickly I am realizing it doesn’t matter what I synergize because in May I will be a whole new being that will win out over any other being. I will be a milk maker… I mean a mom. I will be a drunk goblin’s mom. That means something.
Synergy. What the hell does that mean anyway? We define all parts of our lives differently because we are all different. We are all different adults. We are all different lovers. We are all different parents. We are all different types of careers. I’m in the preparation of my new career and will have hard core on site training in a few months. I don’t think we are meant to synergize at any point because that means that we’ve hit a plateau of who we are. Every day should present you with a new challenge mentally or physically or emotionally. We need to be reminded every day that the beings of who we are are right now are never who we permanently. I want to teach my little Monkey that we are more than the sum of our parts. We are ever growing and ever changing. Some days the bad part of ourselves will show through and that’s okay. As long as your know that about yourself, you’re right on track. Leave synergy for companies. Be an ever growing empire.