Sometime last week Tim and I were conversing about something and then I switched topic completely in my head. Before I totally changed topic on Tim I warned him, “I have about seven tabs open in my head right now. So a lot of random stuff is going to come out. Buckle up.” This. Is. My. Life. At one given time I have at least seven to ten tabs open in my head because as a mom and woman I constantly have things to think about and worry about. I’ve read articles and actually took a course in college about how this is how women communicate and operate. For some reason women are programmed to worry about many facets of life and home. I’m not saying that men don’t do this, that they don’t care, marwar rawr blah. It’s been shown that’s how this works.

I find it so true when I communicate with Tim. We’ll be having a conversation about one thing and in my head I jump over to a different tab. I’ll be a full five minutes deep into this tab and Tim says, “Wait, what? What does that have to do with *blank*?” and I have to reopen that tab that I had already closed when for Tim that tab has been open the whole time.

So, what are the most common tabs that I have open? Here’s a quick break down for you.

1.) Eva: There’s no specific part to this tab that’s just my number one constantly open tab. If I could have sub-tabs it would be, “Where is she?” “Is she okay?” “Do I play with her enough?” “Is she happy?” “Is her diaper still on?” etc. Really anything and everything pops up.

2.) Household to-dos: It took us a full year or so to get back on track with our lives. The house isn’t pristine by any definition but we can see carpet, we can see counter, we are miles ahead of where we were. Now that I don’t dread being in my house with hoarding like piles around me I begin to focus on other projects or chores that need to be done in the house. I keep a running list on this tab.

3.) Big house things: We need a new boiler. We need to have the pipe in the basement checked out. How hard is it to replace a faucet? Hopes of a finished basement. Hopes of a finished garage. When do mice come back to the house? Big picture issues that keep popping up every day of our lives.

4.) Money: Obvi. I’m sure this is a tab that many people relate to and constantly have open themselves. For me it’s, how much are we spending on groceries? Will we have any money to send Eva off to life with? Can we afford more Evas? Can we afford a new car? Will we ever retire? Will I have to crochet my ass off once the kids are in school full time and make monies? Why does the money make the world go round? Oooohhh, cute shoes, damn you, Amazon.

5.) Me and Tim: How are we doing? Are we having a good day (thankfully more often than not this is a resounding yes)? When was the last time we had time together? Should we make more time for each other? How unhealthy is us not really talking/spending time together after baby is in bed because we both have things to do/want to do? Can we handle more kids?

6.) The future: Can I handle more kids? A constant worry and fear in my head. Parents with one kid are all, “I love being a parent. It’s changed me life and I love it.” Parents with multiple kids, “My life is Mad Max 24/7 with Dora narrating. We have nothing nice ever. We have no money. We have no relations. We have nothing. Except children and goddamn Caillou” (take it away PBS. You’re supposed to help people, not hurt them). I don’t want to be that parent. I don’t really want that life sometimes, but I want more kids. It’s so messed up. Pregnancy and labor kicked my ass. I voluntarily want to do that again and again?

7.) What will kill my child: Being a parent today is difficult. Technologically speaking it’s great. Even today we walked downtown for breakfast with Eva in her stroller and a woman in her 70’s said how nice our stroller was compared to what she had back in the day. Ours is not fancy. I am not jogging anything around anywhere and I don’t need the stroller to talk to me. I have enough judgement in my life. As parents we have social media. Sage advice from generations before us. We’re a different society from decades ago and feel we as parents have the voice, so if I tell you my daughter cannot have eat hot dogs at the next family BBQ, my daughter will not eat hot dogs atournextfamilybbq!!! Yet I’m the one out of line. I constantly, constantly, see articles about how my child could and will die. Even if I keep her home in a play pen with the shades drawn and the doors locked, with no toys around her, she will die or be mamed. And it’s always met with, “We just wanted to raise awareness”. Believe me, whenever an unfortunate event happens to parents and a child my heart bleeds for them. I cry, I hug Eva, I pray to whatever being out there for her safety. But if I’m reading all these things correctly, she will either die or be horribly injured. It will be my fault. It will be a one in a million happenstance (I love the way that word looks, so sexy), and it will be god awful. It’s over saturating. As if I didn’t constantly fear every day that my life, my happiness, my everything will be ripped away from me. I need to hear about the dangers of choking hazards of the burp clothes I’ve been using for months. I hate this tab.

So yes, on any given day at an given hour these are the open tabs in my head. More often than not there are a couple more random ones in there for family. Friends. Pinterest. TV shows. Loosing that “Baby body…whatever that is”. Food. Alcohol. Food. You know, important things. Hopefully one day I can collapse all these tabs into one or two and focus on the here and now. I try to stop myself from looking at all these tabs at once and just stare at my daughter and my husband snuggling on the couch. The fact that I have a beautiful home that Tim and I worked really hard for. That my walls are full of pictures of family and friends that I love desperately. The fact that I do have multiple people outside of Tim and Eva that I love desperately. My life is open tabs. I want to some day close them out and only have one open at a time. Sadly, it’s not today and it probably won’t be tomorrow. Someday soon. Maybe when my life is Mad Max and I have drunk goblins all around me. Maybe I’ll close all the tabs then and just take it all in and save it to my cloud. I can’t wait for that day.