This morning I woke up exhausted. According to all the baby apps/websites/blogs/flogs/drogs/etc. around this time in my pregnancy is when your sleep really starts to suffer. It’s just not comfortable anymore. I was thinking about doing another post about more things I’ve learned about pregnancy so far. I then realized that a lot of the bullet points that I would make would sound more like complaining and not how wonderful it is that I am making a human. Something that is truly amazing and wonderful. I am so lucky that I can get pregnant and that so far it’s been a fairly easy pregnancy without a lot of bumps. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about how it seems as though moms are using the internet to vent frustrations of being a mom more than the positive side of motherhood. I didn’t want to fall into this myself and just vent about the frustrations of pregnancy.

How do I do this though? I’m sorry but being pregnant isn’t a picnic. It isn’t even a pretzel on the street most days. Everyday I become more exhausted and unable to do the things I used to be able to do. Tim says almost everyday, “You doing ok? You gonna make it?” and my parents this past weekend opted for take out than a home cooked meal at our house because they saw how wiped and uncomfortable I was. So how do you put a positive spin on something that makes you feel like your spinning out of control? I thought, “If I had a friend tell me they were pregnant or trying to get pregnant, what positives could I tell them so I don’t scare them?” I then remembered the first time we saw her heart beating. The first time we heard her heart beating. The first time we saw her face. The first time I felt her kick in my tummy. I started remembering these moments in time. The moments that made it all worth it.

Nothing worth having comes easy. Ain’t that the truth? We work our patooties off to get those moments. We work for the moments in time. We work for a fleeting moment of complete and utter gratification, success, and joy. I’ve had a few through my life.

1.) I started dancing when I was three. By the time I was eight I knew I wasn’t built like other dancers. Through the years I felt as though I wasn’t as good of a dancer because I didn’t look like the others. I threw myself into dance discipline though because if I couldn’t look like them I was going to keep up with them. Then my dance director told me that during one of our competitions another teacher from another studio pointed me out and said how wonderful my technique was and how I was a beautiful dancer. I will forever remember that moment.

2.) Counting the tassels on my cap when I looked up to hear the words, “Congratulations class of 2008!” at my college graduation. The hardest and some of the most wonderful four years of my life.

3.) Deciding when to start house hunting was a very talked about and planned decision for us. We saved money and I got to work. I found a great Realtor and a very helpful and responsive loan officer. In all honesty finding the house happened a lot faster than we thought and we were lucky. It was the second house we looked at. The moment we were handed the keys to our house though, that moment of complete relief, excitement, and achievement was one of the best moments in our relationship.

4.) Before Tim I didn’t have the healthiest relationships. I put myself and my happiness behind the guy’s. I totally changed who I was for them and I lost who I was for the relationship. I learned a lot about myself from them and learned a lot about what I wanted from relationships. I found Tim and about a year after we started dating he said to me one night, “I love you so much. I want to be with you forever.” That moment meant so much to me because for the first time I actually believed it. I believed that I was worth loving forever. That moment was life changing.

And then there are moments that we’ve been told about or witnessed through other people that we may look forward to.

1.) Around May 10th I get to have the pleasure of labor. The screaming. The crying. Crushing Tim’s hand bones. While that all sounds delightful, what I’m looking forward to is the moment that they lay my baby girl on my chest. The moment that is indescribable because that’s how overwhelming it will be. The moment I become a mom.

2.) We want to have more than one child. Like most couples we have a set number in our heads but of course after a couple kids we might look at each other and say, “Yup. I’m tapped out. This is good.” or we may have two more than we first thought. At that point in time I get to rediscover myself. I get to learn a life outside of being a stay at home mom. I get to experience a moment where I finally realize what my life is outside of my kids after years of dedication and being forever known as someone’s mom.

3.) My daughter’s first day of school. There are days where I feel like it’s already all going to fast. That she’s already grown too much and I’m loosing her. I know the first day of school will be filled with sad and happy tears. I get to have a moment of being proud of my little monkey. Purely proud. Nothing more, nothing less.

4.) Quite a few decades from now I will get the moments back with my husband. When we can retire. When we decide where to live. How often we see the grandkids. Sleeping in late because we earned it damnit. Being with each other without a kid tearing through the room covered in paint even though they weren’t painting. The moment we get to be Amy and Tim again.

Moments in time. Fleeting passes of time that remind us of why we work so hard. These funny little bits of our lives that make us feel alive and remind us why we love ourselves, family, and friends so much. Thinking back on your life do you remember the moments in time? Thinking ahead to the future can you think of moments in time you’re looking forward to? They can be big or small because for me I’m really looking forward to the stuff I said but I’m also really looking forward to the Girl Scout cookies coming our way.

A adage that’s been around since what seems like the beginning of time. A phrase that’s short and sweet but means so much and means something different to every person. I’d be surprised to met a person who hasn’t said this common proverb at some point in their life. For me it was a phrase that didn’t have much meaning until I was older. In your teenage years you make dumb choices and think the smallest hiccup in life is the biggest crisis in life. In your early/mid twenties you still make dumb choices and then realize that you have to adult with life and panic and start trying to be responsible. In your late twenties shit gets real and you realize that life is happening, it’s happening too quickly and it’s an unstoppable train that you’re trying to keep on the tracks.

While you’re trying to control the uncontrollable that’s when the little things count. A lot of people use the our little phrase in context to a relationship. Don’t get me wrong. It’s the little things is a rule in our house really. Last weekend we had a pretty busy weekend. I was exhausted. I was hungry and told Tim I needed food but didn’t want to get up. He jumped right up and heated up some leftover meatloaf and couscous for me without hesitation. He brought me milk, ketchup, and a napkin and asked if there was anything else he could do. I know, some of you may be thinking, “Well, you’re pregnant. Of course he should do those things.” The thing is, he doesn’t. Just like I don’t have to make him breakfast in the morning. He has two hands. It’s the little things we do for each other that makes every day a good day.

Doing the little things for your partner or spouse is great. I’m more thinking about the little things that you learn to do for yourself. It’s been on my mind a lot lately because the amount of things I can do is dwindling. Even bending over to feed the kitties is becoming an Olympic event for me. How many times a day do we do things for other people? At work your job is literally to give some sort of service to someone else. In a marriage you focus on what that person needs that day. As a parent you obsess on what your child needs 24/7. Hell, even going out in public we put on pants and say “Excuse me” when bumping into someone (well, most of us. I’m talking to the guy at the store yesterday, learn some manners, dude. Who was your mother?). The point is, we live in such an individualized society but are taught to take other people into consideration for almost every part of our life. It might be so you never feel alone. It might be so we don’t raise a society of self-entitled a-holes. I sometimes wonder how well we are doing with that, but that’s a different post.

It’s important to learn that the universe is an expanding realm with millions of planets rotating around it. The center of that universe is not you. It’s important to realize that but it’s also important to learn that sometimes you need to have a gravitational pull towards yourself. Take a moment every day and do or think something for yourself. I know, I know. “Kicky Housewife, I don’t have time for that! I have a job or kids or spouse or commitments” choose your category. The thing is we don’t have to choose the martyr category. I’m not saying you should take a two hour period every day and focus solely on yourself. I’m saying that you should take at least a minute every day and do something little for yourself. You can have that cup of cocoa and take a deep breathe. Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and say, “Looking gooooood”. Read an article on-line about your secret hobby or obsession. Look up husky puppies on Google images (you’re welcome). Do something just for you, even if it’s just for a minute.

We are all on this unstoppable train. That’s a fact. The thing is we don’t have to let the scenery rush past us. There is nothing to stop us from taking a seat and taking a minute to look at the mountains outside the window. Take that minute, take a deep breathe, and take in that view. You can rush back to the control panel after a minute. I know I do. I try to control so many aspects of my and my family’s life but I also take a second to sit down with my decaf coffee and look at the article about 40 things you didn’t know about the Titanic. I hope I keep doing little things for myself because I know that it’s something I need. It’s not being selfish, it’s taking care of me. If I fall asleep at the control panel then what happens to that train? Exactly. It’s the little things. Keep the adage alive and keep going on the train. It’s bound to be a beautiful ride, enjoy it.

Life is a series of new experiences. It’s true that you can be in a rut and think your life is the same life day in and day out. For the most part we get new experiences and events that come in and shake things up. These experiences or events can be of your own doing and planning or they’re not planned at all. Some are good and some are bad. I find that with every new chapter or appendix of your life you build up expectations in your head. Sometimes it’s only one or two small expectations and sometimes it’s a laundry list of expectations. We build these ideas of what’s about to happen because we want to prepare ourselves.

I know I don’t like going into dark unknown rooms. I don’t like going to new places for appointments in fear of everything falling apart. I can go as far as not wanting to go to the movies for the newest blockbuster worrying that maybe it’s not that great. Right now the expectations I’ve been running through have to do with my pregnancy. Everyday I feel like I can add one more to the list, big or small. I then realized something the other day. All my expectations, all of them, can be applied to almost every other facet of living a human life. It made me wonder, are expectations really contingent on the chapter you’re about to turn? Or are we expecting the same thing over and over again with hopes of different outcomes? Does the reality of each situation either live up to or shatter what we were hoping for or fearing come true?

Here are some examples of the expectations I’ve been creating that I’ve been able to say, “Hey, wait that is actually true for life.” Deep stuff, man. Deep stuff.

Expectation: Becoming pregnant won’t slow me down. Pregnant women worked in rice patties, squatted had the baby and went back to work. I can do this.

Reality: We all want to be some sort of Superwoman/man. We want to be invincible because that means we aren’t weak. We want to take every day by the horns and drive it into submission. And why wouldn’t we want that? We started out as creatures who were literally in life or death situations every day. I don’t think we lost that gene. Our lives now may be more comfortable and not so stab stab kill kill a mammoth for dinner, but we still know that there is that fear of being weak and letting the mammoth get you first, by stampede. I’m pretty sure they ate grass and flowers not humans.

Expectation: I’m so spoiled being a housewife and being pregnant. I shouldn’t sleep in because other pregnant women don’t get to. They have to get up and go to work and talk to people.

Reality: We compare ourselves to our counterparts constantly. I know I do. It’s human nature. We have measuring sticks all around us. Sometimes we feel like we measure up and sometimes we feel a few inches short. To be honest, is it crazy for me to feel guilty for sleeping in because other women don’t get to? Yes. Of course it is. I am growing a human and that’s a 24/7 job. I am lucky enough that I get to be a housewife and be pregnant. The hand off is that I am then going to be a stay at home mom. For some people they may look at me and think, “She’s a stay at home mom, I go to work every day away from my child. I get a break, she doesn’t.” We do this with all parts of life. Lifestyle, jobs, marriage, family, friends, so on and so on. We have a need to see if we’re doing better or worse than the people around us because it gives a sense of how our life is turning out. I really wish we didn’t have to though. Not caring what others are doing is a fabulous luxury.

Expectation: Now that I’m pregnant I will eat more healthfully and exercise more.

Reality: Um sure, that’s what I thought I was going to do. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this through my adult life. Just replace pregnant with, the new year, or after that doctor’s appointment, or after this break up. We all want to be a healthy versions of ourselves. We want to live as long as possible. With our new age comforts around us that is difficult. It’s easier to eat chips and dip and watch the Patriots pull out another win than getting up, changing, getting a water bottle, a sweat towel, and walking on the treadmill while the Pats pull it off. We like to eat fatty things because they taste delicious. Please don’t call child services though, I do eat a pretty well balanced diet and have only gained four pounds. It’s under control.

Expectation: Every doctor’s appointment will be 100% fine, every time.

Reality: I think this is one of the scariest expectations/realities because it’s the epitome of you never know what can happen. The unknown is terrifying and probably the biggest reason behind the need of expectations. You don’t know what’s going to happen. We can’t see 10 minutes into the future nor can we see 10 years into the future. We can only have hopes as to what will turn out. I’ve felt that every day I wake up. Just hoping and expecting that she’ll be fine and I’ll be fine for that day. We’ve had to do an unscheduled ultrasound because we didn’t get great sonograms of her heart and mouth. I went into the appointment expecting the worse and hoping for the best. Thankfully, it was the best and everything was fine. We had to have the negative expectation though to prepare. We had to be ready.

Expectation: You expect your family and friends to think about your pregnancy every day just like you and your partner do.

Reality: Get over yourself! Everyone has a life and that life includes you, it isn’t you. When we go through something huge we want and need support. We expect that you will get daily reminders that someone outside your house is there for you. Believe me, they are there for you but damn girl, they have things to do. I thought the other day, “I’m upset because so and so hasn’t talked to me very much. But so and so and so and so has.” I couldn’t be upset anymore because if I could name one person that has been there this whole entire time, I’m leaps and bounds ahead. And just to compare, that’s more than a lot of people have. Plus I realized that I need to find out what’s going on with their life too. Maybe they were waiting for me to reach out because they were needing support too.

Expectations. You little sweet and sour mistress. You build us up to only tear us down sometimes. What was created as a defense mechanism against every day life has turned into a tumultuous relationship. We expect things from our expectations. We expect things from ourselves which can the scariest one of them all. Once we rely on ourselves to fill our own expectations we become our own worse enemy. We pile one on top of another in hopes that they will sort themselves out. I’d love to sit here and say I won’t build them up anymore and just live life. I’d love to say it, but I don’t expect myself to get there anytime soon.

Last week I did something I don’t do very often. I left a comment on an article on Facebook. It was an article about things a woman wished she had shut up about with pregnancy. It was an article about how pregnancy was the easy part and raising a truly self-centered ego maniacal little person was just hell on earth. At least, that’s how I saw it. I read comment after comment from moms laughing because it was all so true. For me it was a breaking point. I am a researcher. I don’t do something big without looking into it. I’ve been reading parenting sites and blogs for months now. I got the feeling that moms wrote these pieces more as a place to vent and scream about how awful it was to be a mom sometimes. Rarely was I or am seeing pieces about how great it is to be a mom.

The comment I left was to that tune. That I was pregnant with my first and that it’s disheartening to see these articles. I felt like mothers were trying to talk me out of being a mother. For the most part I got a TON of responses about yes it’s hard, every day it’s hard, but the return is so amazing you forget about the hard stuff. Or I got a few from other preggos who felt the same way. Then I got the response I had expected from the beginning. “I have four children and am pregnant with the fifth. You just don’t understand because you are only pregnant. You don’t have children yet so you can’t fully understand. You don’t get it. Talk to me again in six months. You’ll feel differently.”

You don’t get it. I have hated this phrase for most of my adulthood. Four words that pack a jaw cracking punch. I understand the basic fundamental principle behind it. If you haven’t gone through an event or an experience yet you can’t fully comprehend what that event or experience is. But let’s not be dicks about it. We all go through a million different experiences in a lifetime. For a lot of us we touch upon every facet of the human experience in some way. To say that I can’t have a certain feeling about something because I haven’t experienced it the way you have is rude and cuts me off at the knees. Come back though, I’ll bite at your ankles.

I heard, “You don’t get it” so many times in my life for things I didn’t have yet. I wasn’t married. I hadn’t graduated college. I didn’t have a dog. I hadn’t suffered human breaking tragedy in my life. So on and so forth. The thing is, I am a human. I have emotions. I have empathy. I comprehend what’s bad and what’s good. And I have eyeballs. We may not always 100% understand what people go through or have gone through because (whether you admit it or not) there will always be someone who has it worse than you do. The worse part is even when you’ve gone through one check point someone points out that there are ten more ahead of you. I also got responses of, “It sounds like you better stick to one. Two is worse!” and, “Wait until you have two or more. Then you won’t be able to function.” So let me get this straight. Once I do get into the mommy club I still don’t get things because I’ll only have one child? How many do I have to have before I fully get what it means to be a mom?

In our society today we overshare. I am very much guilty of it. I post pictures of silly things. I update my status. I have all the venues of social media. I write a blog about my personal life. I’ve really started to see what the oversharing has done to us humans. We share things in our lives that we want others to see. We hide or stuff down the things we don’t want people to see. The unfortunate side of that is, the other people then think they know everything about you. They give advice that may seem beyond their place, they say things that seem funny because they don’t know about what happened five years ago, they judge you because our lives are now about judging. I have gone through so much in my life. True sadness, true loss, true love, true friends, true family, etc. I try to not let everything that has happened affect the way I see myself in ten years. This can be misleading because it may seem as though I’m naive and don’t know much about anything. The women on a mommy blog site don’t see that part of me. In their eyes, I just don’t get it.

So. What do we do when we don’t get it? What do we do when we’re trying to relate to someone who is going through something? To me the answer is pretty simple. Try to understand what you don’t get about them. The screen name you are responding to has a person attached to it. A person who has lived their life up to this point. A person who has had their own experiences. A person. You can also always step away from your own screen and talk (actually talk with vocal cords) to a friend, family, or co-worker. Remind yourself that what you see in front of you is 10% of who that person really is. In a virtual world it’s probably more like 1%. We all meet someone who doesn’t get it. That’s okay, give them a break. Tomorrow you probably won’t get it either.

I woke up this morning by the light of 2016. A new year. If you scroll through Facebook you’ll see lots of positive statues about how we all get to start over yet again. We all get to look at the next 365 days and say, “Come at me, bro!” With the look at the future we also get a chance to look over our shoulder and see the 365 days we just left behind and get to say, “You came, you saw, you conquered….bro”. You look back and wonder what kind of year you had. A natural wonder.

You hear all the time that we have to let the past be the past and look forward to the future. I agree that you cannot get stuck looking at the past because you can’t change anything, but I do think you need to do a 10 cent tour. We need to process what has just happened in our life to make sense of what is to come. We need to learn lessons from our mistakes, orientate ourselves as to where we want to be, and truly learn what made us grow in the last year. Without understanding these things we stay stagnant. We never move forward or back, we just stay.

That’s why this year I did my 2015 in terms of questions/categories.

1.) What did I learn from 2015?

2.) What were the big life events that happened in 2015?

3.) Were there negatives to 2015?

4.) What am I looking forward to in 2016?

Let’s get started.

1.) I learned a lot from 2015. I think the biggest was that I could do this adult thing. When I was younger I felt as though I always relied on my parents and sister to do everything for me. I turned 25 and freaked out a little bit because I realized that I had to adult. In 2015 I worked with a Realtor, found a house, bought said house, set up insurance, set up a mortgage, etc. I did it. Not my parents. Me (obviously Tim was very helpful but I made the binder soooooo). Then I got pregnant. Again, something I had to adult. I called the doctor, started cutting beloved blue cheese and red wine or micro brews out of my diet, planning for more than myself, started truly putting someone else first in my life. 2015 was a test of what kind of adult I was. I’d be lying if I said I was disappointed with the outcome.

2.) I’d have to say the two biggest events were of course buying a house and getting pregnant. These are monumental to me and something I will remember for a lifetime. I can’t forget about the smaller events though. My bonus nieces turning one year old. I got to dance with a wonderful company in Portland for a session. Tim and I celebrating five years together and one year married. My sister’s business taking off and how excited she was. Dinners with friends. Seeing baby cousins run around. Tim getting a great review at work with a raise. My parents celebrating 41 years together and looking forward to retirement. Friends buying houses. The moments that make you take a deep breathe and thank our ancestors for evolving their asses off to the point of where we are today. I love my family, bonus families, and friends. I couldn’t have asked for better reminders of what a full life entails.

3.) I would love to meet the person who said that their past year was 100% perfect and not be sad crying at night in the shower. In 52 weeks we meet a lot of people, meet a lot of challenges, and go through a large spectrum of time. I think that we have to go through some bad to see all the good. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason with a purpose. Too many quirky things have worked out in my life to believe other wise. I did have some negative spots in my life over the past year. I had a chemical pregnancy. We found our boiler was broken. Frustrations with house hunting and negotiating. Heart breaks from family and friends. All these dark spots sucked. They just sucked. When you’re in that spot you wonder, “How can this get worse? Can anything good happen?” and if you’re patient enough and put enough good out there, then yes. It will get better and good things can happen. Turn another corner. Search a little harder. You’ll get there.

4.) For 2016 my biggest focus of course is our baby girl. She’s coming in May and reminds me every day that she’s here and building her strength. There are a million (I could literally list a million) things that I am looking forward to. I have 19 weeks left in my pregnancy and I am already having trouble waiting to hold her in my arms. I can’t wait for her first smile. I can’t wait for her to meet her bonus cousins. I can’t wait to see my husband become a father. I can’t wait to see my parents and sister hold her. The list goes on and on. I know there will be other amazing little or big events, but it’s hard for me to focus on them. I have pregnancy brain hardcore and I sometimes forget Tim’s name, but when you have such a precious reward at the end of the finish line it’s hard to see anything else.

I personally don’t like doing resolutions for the new year. I don’t need to start a year feeling like I failed at the year before. I try every year to be a better version of myself. Sometimes I achieve that, sometimes I don’t. The only thing I can do is hope that the times in between those two extremes is good enough. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good daughter and sister. I want the next year to challenge me and show me that I’m working with the universe instead of fighting it. I want to look at my daughter this year and think, “You’ve been a long time coming, but my god, you are so worth it.” I want to achieve my un-achieveables and then set new ones. 2015 was wonderful and a year I will forever remember fondly. It was nice to look back over my shoulder but it’s time to look ahead and see what’s out there. It’s time to ring in the new year.

At some point we all feel like we’re living two lives. Two separate beings in one life. For some of us this split life will feel like it’s our whole life. Every day you wake as one being and switch to the other being at some point. For the for most part we can live like this. Thankfully, the human is an adaptable creature. We do what we have to in order to survive. If you’re anything like me though, you begin to wonder will these beings ever synergize? Will they ever coexist in the one life that you’re living?

Personally, I’ve been fighting with my being as a housewife and a being as a pregnant lady. We moved to our house about nine months ago. I got into a routine pretty quickly. Weekly errands, grocery day, meal plans, bill management, weekly cleaning schedule, etc. I found a way to be busy every day. I was pretty happy with what was going on. In the back of my head I kept thinking, “I’m only half a housewife. We don’t have kids.” I’m still not sure if that was what I thought I was supposed to be or if it’s what I really wanted.

As we all know about five months ago I was body snatched by our little Monkey. A lot of my life changed. For six weeks I felt a little off but nothing too drastic. I was still cleaning, do weekly errands, planning, being a housewife. Then the dreaded six week mark hit. I was so exhausted from waking up. I was eating nothing. It felt like the beginning of the flu every day. I stopped being a housewife and became a pregnant blob. It’s been quite a few weeks since then. Things have gotten better but I would be lying if I said that couch days didn’t still happen. I’ll be really productive one day and the next day my body is like, “Yeah, no. Toast a waffle and then lay down and stay there. I will rebel. I swear to god I will take you down.”

Last night I hit a low. I was getting ready to go to bed and I walked through the kitchen. There is a mountain of dishes, pots, and pans. There are clean dishes still in the dishwasher. The floor hasn’t been swept. As much as I have had better days, I’m still not synergyizing with my other being. I hate that there are dishes everywhere. I hate that the floor isn’t vacuumed. I hate that I haven’t done a full on grocery trip in who knows how long. I talked to Tim and I confessed my 20 week long guilt I had been feeling. I said that there are women everywhere who work everyday, go home, cook dinner, and are pregnant. They do this everyday. I couldn’t do half of what they do.

For us this was always the plan. Tim and I were together for about two years when I told him that my dream was to be a stay at home mom. He told me that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do but he secretly wanted to have his wife be a stay at home mom too. He wanted his kids to grow up with that. That was almost four years ago. That has been the plan for four years. Why can’t I just accept it? Why do I always have a need to compare myself to a lifestyle that I voluntarily stepped away from?

The answer is pretty simple. It’s what we do. I’ve talked to moms or even non parents who say, “I work too much. I take on too much. Is this what I want for the rest of my life?” I think I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck behind the start line for the last year of my life. We’ve wanted kids for so long but I wanted to be married first. Then we wanted a house and I didn’t want to be pregnant and move. We had been together for a year when we decided that if we had an “unexpected blessing” we would be happy with that. It’s been four and half years and a lot of changes. That corner piece of the puzzle has been missing that whole time.

I don’t ask for help. I get that. Last night Tim said he could help out more. He offered to help me clean the kitchen and my response was, “*Sigh* Yeah.” He giggled and said, “You’re probably the only wife that sounds miserable when her husband offers to help clean.” He’s probably right. To me it’s so much more. I’m trying so hard to synergize my pregnant self with my housewife self. I refuse to understand a new version of myself. Quickly I am realizing it doesn’t matter what I synergize because in May I will be a whole new being that will win out over any other being. I will be a milk maker… I mean a mom. I will be a drunk goblin’s mom. That means something.

Synergy. What the hell does that mean anyway? We define all parts of our lives differently because we are all different. We are all different adults. We are all different lovers. We are all different parents. We are all different types of careers. I’m in the preparation of my new career and will have hard core on site training in a few months. I don’t think we are meant to synergize at any point because that means that we’ve hit a plateau of who we are. Every day should present you with a new challenge mentally or physically or emotionally. We need to be reminded every day that the beings of who we are are right now are never who we permanently. I want to teach my little Monkey that we are more than the sum of our parts. We are ever growing and ever changing. Some days the bad part of ourselves will show through and that’s okay. As long as your know that about yourself, you’re right on track. Leave synergy for companies. Be an ever growing empire.

Yesterday hit the 19 week mark for my pregnancy. Just shy of being five months pregnant. Almost a half year of having something growing in me. Think about it. According to the books I have a living creature in my stomach eating my food, using my energy surplus, developing thoughts, figuring out how its limbs work, and becoming self aware. I feel like I’m the plot line for an episode of X-Files, and one of the scary episodes because it could ACTUALLY happen. It. Could. Happen.

All these thoughts got me thinking about what the last 19 weeks of my life have been. What has changed? For a minute it was hard to realize what had changed because you feel like everything has changed. How does one categorize all of that? I’m going to try my best. Keep in mind that these are my observations and realizations. I do not speak for the pregnancy community or the support groups that I’m positive every body snatched woman should be a part of. It would have Oreos, string cheese, and cheeseburgers. It would be heaven.

Here we go.

1.) Some days being pregnant is really difficult. Our society is funny. It’s as though we tell each other that the things that are hard are actually easy. I feel as though pregnancy is portrayed as this amazing experience 24-7. It’s the tampon commercial for pregnant people. Don’t get me wrong. There are so many wonderful experiences that have gone a long with this. However, for about two months I lived in bed or on the couch. I developed morning sickness at night. I was exhausted from doing one load of laundry. I cried at everything. I snapped at Tim for anything. Sometimes it was just…difficult and it wasn’t funny. There was no laugh track when I snapped at Tim for not closing the shower curtain after taking a shower. It was just me crying because I just yelled at the one person who was loving me through this, not fighting me.

2.) Tim just feels awful for me. It’s hard for partners. The one person they love more than themselves is going through this difficult physical thing for nine months and they can’t do anything. They can bring you extra pillows, drive you to McDonald’s at 10:30 at night because you have to have a McChicken right now, and say, “I’m sorry. That sucks.” They know it sucks and if you’re lucky like me you’ll have a partner that says, “I wish I could switch with you, babe” and mean it.

3.) I’ve never had such a difficult relationship with food before. This is coming from a gal who did have issues with food in high school and college. This has been beyond that for me. For those two months I barely ate. There were days where I had one peanut butter cracker at 9:00 am and wouldn’t eat until 7:30 pm and that was another peanut butter cracker. We would sit at our bar for an hour and a half so I could eat a spoonful of tear stained pasta. My doctor said to eat what I could get down my gullet but a diet of soda and Cheetos didn’t seem healthy. Now is such a different story. I will eat a whole dinner and then an hour later eat frozen yogurt and then an hour later crackers and hummus. I feel like it will never be enough. I will eat that chicken nugget out of your hand if you look away too long. I will do it.

4.) There isn’t a day I don’t think, “I can’t do this”. In about four months Tim and I will have a drunk baby goblin in our house. That thought alone is terrifying. The thing that has made me think this the most is my cats. I know crazy, right? The other night our fat cat, Bowser, desperately wanted attention. He wanted to be held like in an actual baby position and I needed to do things. I got so overwhelmed Tim had to take him. We literally had to pass off our special cat. I felt like if I can’t deal with with a cat, how can I do it with a drunk baby goblin? It’s an everyday struggle.

5.) Everything is a pregnancy symptom. It’s unbelievable. I feel as though I could Google, “I can’t turn left pregnancy” and will find some website or message board that will say, “Yeah, because you’re pregnant” or I’m Zoolander, which would be amazing.

6.) For the first time everything I do I wonder, “Is this the best thing for my child?” It’s pretty mind blowing. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “I just want to be a good mom” already. In my opinion, I am already a mom. I have to nurture, protect, and grow this little person to come into the world. I’ve had to worrying about someone else with every single thing I eat, lift, clean, trip, climb, drive, talk, and dress.

7.) Sometimes I feel like people and society are trying to talk me out of having kids. This is the other side of the coin. I feel like having kids is this amazing experience and it’s like everyone is saying, “No. This is the hardest and worst thing you can do.” I see it everywhere. TV shows. Facebook status updates. Blogs. Talk shows. Conversations with parents. I’ve loved the statuses and pictures of my friends’ and family’s babies but I’ve also heard the, “Yeah, they’re cute. Until you’ve been up for 172 hours just rocking in a chair promising the devil your soul for an hour of sleep. Hahaha, yeah no, they’re cute.”…awko taco. I know kids are hard. I know hard isn’t strong enough of an adjective to describe how hard it is to have kids. With the bad has to be some good and I just really hope I show more of the good, but of course we’ll see.

8.) I don’t know everything and I have to be okay with that. If you know me well you may know that I am slightly type A and have an annoying need to do everything by myself. I resort to asking for help when I’m on a verge of a break down. I’ve been that way since I was two and told my mom I could do everything by myself. Some days I’ve felt really alone. I realized that I didn’t have to be. This whole experience is new, important, and life changing. I can ask for help and advice when I want it. My friends and family love me, Tim, and our little Monkey. They will help whenever needed. I need to be okay with asking, “What do I do with this?” I can’t control everything and having kids tops that list.

9.) I have no idea what pregnant women did before the internet. Seriously, did you just live in a dark room praying everyday that you and the baby were okay? What did you do? Like, what did you do?

10.) You do anything to make yourself feel good about yourself. My body has gone haywire. My stomach is rounding out. My face is fuller. My hands are swollen. I have sausage toes and Jennifer Love Hewitt lied to me about Palmer’s cocoa butter helping with stretch marks. I mean she probably actually used angel tears but I don’t have Ghost Whisperer royalties, J-Love. Okay? I don’t. Any who, I have learned that a good shower, shaving of the legs, and actually brushing my hair will do wonders. Even if it’s only to go to Hannaford for a couple of groceries.

11.) Doing non-parent things makes me think, “This will never be the same again after May”. Last night our night was watching Lost for a couple hours then me coloring and watching Netflix on my computer and Tim playing video games. A pretty typical night. I know these nights are going to be few and far in between. We’ll grasp to the nights we get to watch a half an episode of Lost before passing out. Or I’ll be creepily staring at our child to make sure their chest rises and falls in an appropriate amount of time. That’s going to be our life. I get that but there is part of me that is still really excited for that.

12.) Comfty/maternity clothes are the gifts of pregnant women past. Without elastic bands, Tim’s t-shirts, and ruched sided shirts I would never get out of pajamas or out of bed. Why bother?

13.) Being pregnant become your obsessive thoughts. I feel like every minute of every day I remind myself I’m pregnant. Then there are other people. My husband, my parents, my friends, my parents, other family, strangers at the store, my parents (they’re just really excited. It hasn’t gotten weird yet). The weird part is when I forget for a minute, literally a minute, I feel like an awful mom and that the baby now hates me, “I’m working hard too, woman! I am creating myself. Can I get a little recognition?!”

14.) Being overwhelmed becomes a common emotion. I know I can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can I ever just be whelmed? Kinda a mantra for me right now. Getting baby registries together, designing a nursery, where do I find mommy and me groups, is there anyone who doesn’t know about me being pregnant and should, check in with Tim, check in with myself, pet the cats to let them know you still love them, eat, breathe, eat again, on and on. It’s so overwhelming all the time. You are bringing a little person into the world. A person. The cats were enough for almost six years and they were overwhelming enough. I miss the days of being whelmed.

15.) I wouldn’t change a thing and will hopefully go through this again. It may seem as though I just complained for 14 bullet points. 15 may be the most important to me though. Through all of this I know that around May 10th I will be someone’s mom. Tim will be someone’s dad. We will have a family outside ourselves. We get to see this little spirit grow up in front of us. Be there for their first laugh, first words, first steps, first day of school, first, “Mom, I’m so hung over. What do I do?” So many things to be proud of. I get to show my child the ropes of the world and hope every night that I did something right that day. Honestly, whatever I go through doesn’t seem that much to have that experience.

So, there you go. 15 things I’ve learned so far in pregnancy. What were somethings you learned while being pregnant? Or when your partner was pregnant? Was it all good, bad, or whelming? Let me and the world know down below 🙂

My last post was over three months ago. Something I truly apologize for. I was getting such amazing feedback from readers and was really enjoying myself. Then I leave you faster than a carnival performer trying to outrun the law. A lot has been happening in my life the last few months personally and housewife wise.

Tim and I bought our house in March and in April we decided to really start trying to get pregnant. Track everything, I would eat better, cut down on alcohol, the whole fertility dance (I’m pretty sure I tried a fertility dance at some point). For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mom. To say I love kids and the spirit that is kids is an understatement. Me and kids always find each other at parties and we always hit it off. My cousin called me the baby whisperer because her daughter would only sleep for me at family gatherings for about a year. Needless to say, offspring was always in the plan for me.

I thought it would be so easy. We would be that couple that said within the month of trying we got pregnant. That was not the case. April went by, May, June and nothing. We were discouraged because one month in trying to conceive time feels to be about six months. The beginning of July came and with it a positive pregnancy test. We were beyond excited. I was crying, Tim teared up and it was a perfect moment. I called the doctor and I started planning everything in my head. Three days later on July 4th we had the first true heart break in our relationship. We had an early miscarriage called a chemical pregnancy.

It was beyond devastating. I didn’t understand. I cursed out every unknown being in the universe. I felt so betrayed by my own body. I wanted to take out my uterus for a while as to say, “We need a break.” I felt like a failure as a woman, a wife, and a human. I have one job and I couldn’t do it. I went to my doctor and talked about the next steps. My doc said, “Amy, you are healthy. You are in a loving relationship. You are still young. I have no doubt I will see you in the next four to six months for prenatal appointments.” I rolled my eyes and went on home.

For the next month or so I went into a slight depression. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to clean, I didn’t want to shower, I didn’t want to be a housewife. I didn’t want this life anymore. I lived on the couch. Crying and crying. It felt like the universe was telling me that I may be good with kids but that didn’t mean I deserved kids of my own. Tim tried to be patient, friends tried to be understanding, family tried to find the right words. None of it worked.

I slowly worked my way out. I started cleaning, running errands, and bathing. It was fantastic and life affirming. Before I knew it the universe let me know that I did deserve kids. At the end of August I woke up early one morning took out a pregnancy test and shook for three minutes straight. I saw the word “Positive” for the second time in two months. I went upstairs to wake up Tim and tell him the great news. Unfortunately, I let the fear take over and I was more worried and terrified than anything else. What if it was another chemical pregnancy? What if I got further along and had a miscarriage? What if? What if? What ifs were controlling my every thought.

A few weeks went by and I had my first prenatal appointment. Talking to a nurse about how to be a good preggers lady. Another week and we saw our baby’s heart beat. Another month and we heard our baby’s heart beat. Every milestone was a sigh of relief, another weight off our shoulders, and a widening of smiles. After the first trimester we realized this was happening.

It’s been four and a half months and everyday I thank those unknown beings that I cursed out months ago. Everyday I kiss my husband and fall more in love when he gently rubs my growing belly. Everyday I look forward to what new challenges are brought in front of me. Now. If I were to sit here and say it has all been lollipops and unicorns in green fields with peppermint waterfalls, well, let’s just say that unicorn would die from the lies. That’s for another day and another post. Pregnancy is hard, people. Like. Hard.

Again, I’m so sorry for leaving you all. I am thankful for every single person who for a second thought what I had to say was worth something. I am going to try to get back into it. I’ll incorporate my housewife life into my preggo lady life. Hopefully we’ll get through this together. In about four and a half months my whole life will be devoted to a new little one. Let’s see where this roller coaster takes me!

“Did you clean in here today?” is something that I’ve heard a couple times from my lovely husband in the last couple years. Since buying and moving to our house I’ve heard it a couple times more than usual. Moving to our very own house gave me an unknown need to keep the house clean and tidy. Now, I’m not saying that our house beforehand was akin to a sewer tunnel or anything, but it definitely wasn’t a contender for Homes & Gardens.

For the most part the house has been fairly tidy and put together for a good chunk of the week before doing a whole house weekly cleaning. Of course there are busy weeks and weekends where the dishes pile up, the laundry becomes an obstacle course for the cats, and the dust bunnies are asking for lettuce. For the most part it’s fairly under control. The theory that you clean as you go and tidy after you untidy is quite true and useful.

One day after I had done a weekly cleaning Tim walked into the living room and asked, “Did you clean today?” in a, “I can tell but not totally sure” kind of tone. It was an odd feeling after he asked it. On one hand it felt good that I was keeping the house together so much so that it was hard to decipher between just picked up and truly clean clean. On the other hand it was kind of frustrating that I had just sweated my patootie off and worked for hours to clean the house to almost not have it noticed. It made me wonder some things that I didn’t really have to wonder before.

Things like, was it crazy to have a need to have my husband see and acknowledge my work? I don’t tell him everyday that he did a bang up job creating new codes and software for his company (though I do try to say, “Thank you for working for our family” as often as I can). Isn’t it enough that I can say, “Bang up job, Amy. Bang up job. It looks awesome in here!” When I worked in corporate America I had to learn how to be my own thank you. I had to learn the value in my own work because someone isn’t always going to be there to tell me I did a awesome job on that report. Was this really any different?

My conclusion is simple. It’s not. I chose this life and this job. I chose to be home everyday, clean, take care of other beings, and be the 2015 version of Doris Day. I made these choices so why was I in need of someone else appreciating my work? Again the conclusion is simple. We all need it. Whether or not you are a kicky housewife, a corporate America worker, a free lancer, or an artist, we all need someone somewhere to remind us that we are in fact doing a bang up job in some fashion.

We all need a cheering section and sometimes you are your own cheering section. Now a days kids get ribbons for showing up to something, but we adults don’t get a ribbon for doing our jobs everyday. We choose to get up every damn morning and make to-do lists for that day. We choose to complete those listed items and in most cases, the company chooses to pay us for our efforts. Where is our participation ribbon for making positive and constructive choices for that day? We’ve become a world where you will say, “Your paycheck is your ribbon” or “Driving into your driveway every night is your ribbon” but I know for a fact I didn’t just show up and get those things. I had to make effort and do a bang up job for the last 29 years.

We may not get a ribbon for showing up to work everyday, but we do deserve a “You did a bang up job today” at least once an a while. If you don’t get it from a boss, a co-worker, a spouse, a child, or a stranger in the parking lot, say it to yourself. Learn to be your own thank you. Life is…life. A definition of a way of being all on it’s own. It’s difficult, challenging, stressful, and full of unknowns. Recognize the small things and life may not seem too daunting after a while.

…bang up job, Amy, bang up job 😉 (See what I did there?)

A couple months ago I made myself a house management binder. I looked on-line for management binder templates or kits I could buy. After looking at quite a few I realized that a lot of them out there were either missing worksheets or sections I wanted or had worksheets or sections I didn’t need. I decided to make my own. It was pretty easy and I have been asked by a lot of people how I did it. Here’s how I made mine. *Click on images if you want to enlarge them*

Step 1:  Figure out what your family needs to be organized

You and your family are unique and different from other families. Figure out where your focus of organization needs to be. Whether that is budgeting, scheduling, or planning. I created an outline of categories that I wanted in my binder.

Step 2: Supplies 

 

• A 2-inch 3 ring binder
• Dividers to implement the categories I outlined
• A three hole punch for worksheets
• Writing implements (obviously whatever tickles your fancy. I heart highlighters)
• Computer to create worksheets or hand make your own. I don’t judge.

Step 3: Create the dividers

 Step 4: Worksheets, worksheets, worksheets

When creating worksheets think about what works best for you. I love lists, having plenty of room to write out my thoughts, and going month by month. I created my worksheets in Google Docs. Here are the dividers and worksheets I made. I have nine dividers in my binder.

Divider 1: To Do

I try to break down my to do’s into days. I love the double column because it gives me more freedom to create the to do list as needed from day to day.

Divider 2: Goals

I do monthly goals. I feel my to do lists are my daily or weekly goals. Again, I like having the big open space to really brainstorm my goals. 

Divider 3: Management Calendars

This is my favorite section. This is where I put all our bill due dates, engagements, birthdays, appointments, etc. I downloaded this calendar template and printed off however many months I needed. I just fill it in every month. I like the big blank boxes to write in.

I also have these worksheets in this section that I labeled, “What Did I Clean this Week?” I tried remembering what days I cleaned my whole living room or when I scrubbed down my appliances. It was frustrating to keep all that in my brains. These worksheets allows me to log all of that and keep up on things. I broke down the grid into what makes sense for my house. I use the table tool on Google Docs and modify it to my liking. 

Divider 4: Groceries

This section has a couple different worksheets. First is a planned out shopping list. I like to do this at the beginning of the week. I plan out a menu and then make a grocery list by sections. It helps with organization of groceries and makes shopping itself a lot easier. I leave this pretty blank in terms of tables. Some weeks I need to do a full shopping trip, other weeks not so much. The blank space feels less demanding.

 

We just bought a house and need to buy a boiler, so budget is a big focus for us. I like to keep track of what costs what where. I chose the three stores we shop for groceries at the most. I then broke it down to what I buy the most, sometimes, and almost never. This way if I have a tight week budget wise, I can figure out how much we’ll spend that week at the grocery store. These sheets are also great for comparative shopping. The table here works really well. It splits up the categories easily and helps differentiate between everything.

 

Divider 5: Shopping Lists

This divider is for the stores I don’t go to weekly. I create what I call “Build Up Lists”. Since I don’t go to these stores every week I build up a list until I feel like it would be worth the trips or really need the items.

Divider 6: Inventory

This worksheet is to keep track of what I have in my cupboards, cabinets, and closets. I like to bulk shop for toiletries, cleaning supplies, and some groceries at BJ’s. This helps keep track of what I have. It also helps to shape a weekly menu. I usually update every other week. I think once I go through the worksheets I printed out I might try a table outline. The four blocks don’t help me as much as I had hoped.

Divider 7: Bills

I do keep track of the due dates of our bills on my management calendar. This section helps to keep track of how much is due when. I also write when we paid the bill so we can always look back at the sheet when working on budgets.

Divider 8: Dates to Remember

Our family and friends all have birthdays and anniversaries we need to remember. I think sending cards is a lost art, I like to keep track so I can send out cards and wish happy celebrations.

I am also a big planner, even for the year. I like to know when the big holidays of the year are.

As I said, budget is a big focus of mine and my binder. I like to keep track of what we get people for gifts and about how much we spent on the gifts. I feel this will also come in really handy around Christmas time.

Divider 9: Projects/Ideas

When you buy a house your wheels are always turning on what ideas and projects your house needs or wants. These worksheets help keep ideas and projects altogether. I also have a worksheet for gift ideas, but it has ideas on it so no sneak a peaks for friends! I keep this a pretty open table format for scribbling and even drawing if I want to.

 

Viola!

So, that’s the long and the short of how to make your own kicky house management binder. Of course you can always go online and find kits or templates if that’s what works best for you. I’ve always needed to write things down to remember them or get them done. Trying to run a household can get overwhelming, this helps with the anxious feeling. In our house I use this binder, but in your house maybe you can find a way to incorporate your partner or kids into using it.

That’s the great thing about creating your own. You can change it to suit what your life is right now. I’m sure later on in life I will have sections specifically for kids and their schedules. That’s why I bought the 2-inch binder. It’s ambitious for right now, but I’m hoping to still be doing this five years from now. I hope this helps you in creating the best kicky household binder for you and your family and that someday soon you can look like this:

Enjoy!